Have you ever looked or listened to someone and thought, “you need to grow up” Or “he/she has some growing up to do.” Every time we say this, it has very little to do with age. We even say this when referring to people who are older than us. I get this thought a lot when interacting with people in coaching or counselling. I keep asking myself, “is that not common sense? Or Is this not obvious?”

This thought hit me harder early this week. We were having a debrief with a fellow trainer about a certain group leadership coaching session. I was disappointed by behaviors and level of knowledge demonstrated by the managers in. In response my colleague said, “Rosemary, what is obvious to you is not obvious to everyone or like we say, common sense is not common to everyone.” That took me back to my senses.

This however does not justify or allow people to get away with behavior that are below par. I was disappointed by a manager who had allegedly consistently underperformed for the last one year. The organization had gone through major changes. I hence got interested to hear both sides of the story. The conversation was happening between the manager, a HR executive and Operations director. The operations director had been in the organization for one year.

Me: What are your thoughts on your report on underperformance?

Manager: I set up that department from scratch! Everything has been running well.

Me: What do you mean when you say everything has been running well?

Manager: No one was complaining before?

Me: (Mental note) …We have a transition issue

Me: Let’s look at the report

Manager: All these things are done!

Director: None is done!

Me: Lets define what we mean by done or not done.

Manager: I did my part but nothing was ever approved!

Director: I gave them back to you with instructions on what to improve on, you never got back to me!

Manager: I cannot keep redoing everything, I was making all decisions before.

Me: Mental note…Change management issue

Me: Do we have this challenge with other managers

HR: Not really. We had sessions with all managers on the strategy change and most of them have transitioned well though with a lot of support.

Manager: Are you saying am incompetent?

The manager stood up, and looked ready to walk out of the meeting. In my head I wondered, “Am I dealing with a manager or a junior officer?” Needless to say my next thought was, “He needs to grow up.” In short I had an issue with his level of maturity. Maturity in psychology is the ability to respond to the environment, being aware of the correct time and location to behave and knowing when to act, according to the circumstances and the culture.

We are not always mature in every situation because we are always growing and learning. We can however do a better job at displaying our mature sides and by doing so we lift each other up through our example. We also need to look out for the telltale signs and be more aware when our whiny, adolescent immature self shows up. Self-knowledge is the first step to maturity and maturity is not when we start speaking big it is when we start understanding small things. It involves;

• Realizing how much you don’t know; being unshaken by flattery or criticism.
• Listening more and talking less.
• Being aware and considerate of others, not feeling entitled.
• Not taking everything personally, getting easily offended, or feeling the need to defend, prove, or make excuses for yourself.
• Taking responsibility for your own health and happiness, not relying on others to “fix” you or placing blame for your circumstances.
• Having forgiveness and compassion for yourself and others.
• Being calm and peaceful, not desperate, frantic, or irrational.
• Showing flexibility and openness as opposed to resisting, controlling, or being unreasonable.
• Respecting another’s point of view, beliefs, and way of life without judgment, not belittling another, or using profanity or violence to get your point across.
• Finding joy in the success of someone else, not envy or criticism; Encouraging and being supportive of others.
• Knowing there is always room to grow and improve.
• Thinking before acting and having good manners; character not feelings.
• Recognizing that which does not work in your life and making an effort to do something different.
• Accepting, liking, and loving yourself, not needing someone else to “complete” you.
• Standing up for fairness and justice for yourself and others and choosing to do the right thing.
• Not clinging to materialistic items or bragging; Having humility.
• Passing up instant gratification in favor of long term benefits.
• Communicating, apologizing and telling the truth without blaming the other person.

What is most important is seeing the negative side of our behavior and knowing we must do something to change it; that is Wisdom.

“Maturity does not always come with age, in fact its deeper than age. It’s the way you see and understand things, the way you consider others, the way you communicate, the way you react, the things you value, the things you entertain, the way you represent yourself and others as an ADULT. Everyone grows old but not everyone is growing up.”

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