He showed up on time. He was not just fully dressed but presentable and official. He even had decent a haircut. This is not the same person I knew five years ago. He rarely got a haircut and when he did, it did not make any difference. On a normal day he would be in a T shirt that is nothing close to decent. Keeping time was not even what we worried about the worry was whether he would show up in the first place. In short he was constantly unkempt.

Am sure you have come across this kind of person. This one was an old colleague. We tried anything we knew. He was lectured by everyone in the organization from the seniors to the juniors. He was given ultimatums. He was suspended for missing client’s meetings. We tried friendly chats. None of this seemed to work. He would reform for one day then resume his usual trend. The most amazing thing was the excuses he would give. From car engine issues, losing house keys while in the house to lack of water in the neighborhood.

Losing a job was not enough to make this change. He would go through the same motions in the next job. For someone in early thirties and not on drugs this did not seem to add up. When he asked for a meet up last week, I had no reason to add that to my calendar. The easiest thing was to wait till the D day and time. This is not the kind appointment you even call to check up a few hours before time. You put it as a ‘by the way’ in the midst of your other errands and meetings.

His showing up on time and looking different took me aback. To add to this the conversation was result oriented and focused. What really happened in those five years. In his words, he decided he had had enough. This decision did not happen a long time though. It happened early last year. Four years later! We thought he should have had enough five years ago, when he received ultimatums, warning letters, got fired and his partner and child left him.

As usual each incident or occurrence gets me thinking. This was no exception. The first thing that I deduced from this was the saying that, “Enough is a decision not an amount.” This does not just apply to material things it also applies to behaviors. How much is ‘enough’ is specific to the person. Until the person decides they have had enough, no amount of convincing will work. Before you lose your temper over someone’s behaviors or feel obligated to make them change, remember that;

1. People change when they want to.

Change is a personal decision. It takes the individual’s reflection to see the need for change. What you consider as consequences bad enough to make someone change may not be enough to the person. What you think is rock bottom may not be rock bottom according to the person. That is why one can lose his job, lose his family or relationship, affect his/her health and still see no reason to change.

You cannot force change. How many times have you told someone, “You need to change!” And nothing really happened? You can only offer encouragement and support but you cannot control anyone’s actions.

2. People change when they are inspired to change.

The environment we operate from dictate our habits and view of the world. If one person tells you that you are wrong but you have other cheerleaders on the side, then you will not see the need to change. You can shout at your children, colleagues or partner but if the people they spend time with are supporting the behavior no amount of talking or shouting will help.

My former colleague changed after relocating to a different area. He found himself in an environment where looking decent was the norm and partying was out of the question. He needed to make friends and the only available friends could not support his former behaviors. He was inspired to change without any ultimatums or lectures. The easiest way to change is to change the people you associate with and the things you expose yourself to. This does not just apply to changing bad behaviors it also applies to learning new things, changing your mindset and stimulating your personal growth.

3. People change when the ultimatum will lead to loss of something they care about.

When most people are frustrated by someone’s bad behaviors they result to ultimatums. Have you however wondered why some ultimatums work and others don’t? or Have you ever wondered why one ultimatum works with one person and not the other? Ultimatums will only work if the consequences lead to loss of something the person cares about. Before you threaten someone that you are going to fire them, leave the relationship or throw them out ask yourself, does that loss mean anything to that person?

Ultimatums are also viewed as a way to exert control. The person will hence not commit to a lasting effort unless they truly care about the consequences. If the job is not something the person cares about then the threat to suspend them or give them warning letters will not initiate the change. If the relationship does not mean much to the person then your threats to leave will not initiate a change in behavior. My colleague was not planning to work in that organization for long hence the sacking and suspension threats never worked.

Do not lose yourself trying to make someone else change. The decision to change lies in the person’s hands and partly the environment. However, you also need to ask yourself;

4. Do you have the moral authority to question their behaviors or require them to change?

You cannot ask from people what you do not have or display. This applies to children as well as adults. If you want the other person to be diligent at work, loyal and supportive in that relationship make sure that you are modelling that behavior. If you cannot be a role model in a behavior, then you have no moral authority to ask the other person to display it.

People can change but that does not mean they will.