Last week I had a catch up with a friend that I had not met for a while. As it is with Covid it has taken us months to physically connect with friends. The danger of this isolation is that we are likely to lose the motivation that comes from brainstorming with friends and colleagues. For the better part of this season I had scored myself very highly. I reviewed most of my goals to fit this season. From fitness, writing to targeted networking. My score sheet was looking good. Part of the reason it was looking good is because I had not taken the time to ask myself if there is a goal that I could push with more intensity. The push mostly happens when you come across someone who is doing something better or differently compared to you.

One of my biggest strength is listening. As I listened to my friend’s next goals, something hit my mind. There is something I had actually planned to work on during this season but I have been tactically postponing…or should I just accept that, that is procrastination. My friend’s focus to chase the next goals gave me a wakeup call. I actually took the first step the following day. There is power in the people that we surround ourselves with. Covid took away the chance to consistently interact. As we sit in isolation and work from home we can easily think we are doing well. We can even tell ourselves that we are doing our best. When we meet and interact we learn new things and get the push to think and do better. This is one of the good side with peer pressure. Good peer pressure can make you reevaluate your goals and push harder.

We however have to be deliberate on the people that we interact with. Sometimes we interact with people who do not challenge us to become any better. The reason they are our friends is because they never make us question our way of doing things. They are doing things the same way we do or worse. In this case we unconsciously convince ourselves that we are doing well or great based on the person that we consistently interact with. This same friend played a big role in making me realign my goals as Covid hit. I learn more by observing, little by listening and less by taking instructions. I believe in silent mentorship. If I interact with someone who does things differently from me or have mastered a behavior that I treasure, then the person automatically becomes my silent mentor in that area.

Sometimes we remain in our comfort zone based on the people that we interact with. It is probably worse now because we are interacting in small circles of family and few colleagues. This is likely to make us stall mentally and emotionally, if we do not consciously network or reach out to a bigger circle. The reason why we keep some friends for long is because they tolerate our dysfunctions. They excuse our irrational behaviors and do not push us to be better. The best friends or mentors are the ones who inspire you to become better without them saying a word. You observe their way of doing things, their focus on personal growth and you automatically feel challenged to become a better version of yourself. Even if they are going to guide and support you along the way, their life is your greatest motivation.

I had not thought hard about the power of proximity until early this week. I came across a discussion on compatibility both in friendships and romantic relationships. One of the speakers noted that every close human interaction fills a certain need. It is either stretching us and forcing us to become better or it is helping us continue with our dysfunctional patterns that we are comfortable with. The first one happens when you interact with people who are better than you in a certain area. Instead of feeling threatened and walking away you take it as a challenge and challenge yourself to do better and become better.

Unfortunately, most people prefer their comfort zone. Someone once asked, why do we always seem to attract or interact with people with certain dysfunctional behaviors? Chance are they are helping you meet a certain unconscious need. For example, If you are always meeting abusive, manipulating, aggressive partners chances are they help you rationalize a past experience or current behavior. You have probably never interacted with a genuine, authentic, caring person or you also grew up in a dysfunctional environment. You hence keep recreating what is familiar to you. You are familiar with loud, manipulative, aggressive people. You have learnt how to manage or deal with them.

You thrive in toxicity consciously or unconsciously. This has hence become your comfort and familiar zone. Sometimes you question your choices but are scared of the unknown. You do not know how to deal with a rational, genuine, caring person. This fear of the unknown keeps you away from breaking the cycle. You even fuel toxicity to create the environment that you are familiar with… in a lay man’s language, you create drama consciously or unconsciously.

The second part could be that their dysfunctional behavior makes you feel like a better person. The fact that they are aggressive and manipulative allows you to justify your emotional unavailability or lack of commitment. You stay with someone that you don’t trust because you then don’t have to be vulnerable, you feel safe to hide. Dealing with a rational, authentic person will force you to face your own inadequacies. Even if they do not say it, you will feel guilty or challenged to change. As usual human beings prefer the comfort zone. What we consider as compatibility or getting along with someone is sometimes a soothing to our dysfunctional behaviors. They are not friends or partners, they are our wound-mates.

They help us to keep the wounds so that we do not have to go through the painful healing process. They allow us to hide our wounds, shortcomings and stay disconnected with our real selves. They help us cover up our inadequacies and insecurities. They allow us not to go through the process of showing up us our authentic, genuine selves. They allow us not to challenge our behaviors. We hide our heads in the sand and continue with the cycle of dysfunctional behaviors. We can then walk around happy since we are not feeling guilty, their dysfunctions cancel out our dysfunctions. Unfortunately, we go out looking and attracting the same people and the cycle continues. If you are struggling with dysfunctional cycles remember “You are always one decision away from a totally different life and that we repeat what we don’t repair.”

Growing and becoming the best version of ourselves requires that we are open to learning. The highest level of education and maturity is realizing that you do not have it all together. It is being open to learn not just when it is convenient but even when we are convinced that we had done our best. You must always be willing to truly consider evidence that contradicts your thoughts and beliefs and admit the possibility that you could be wrong or that you can do better. However, in the words of Kristin Lohr “change and growth is uncomfortable because you have never been there before; you have never been this version of you. So give yourself grace and breath through it”. “Even a change for the better is always accompanied by discomfort.” Push past the discomfort and get to the bottom of the issue because freedom is found where pretense ends. Just like in addiction sobriety is achieved when you get to the bottom of why you have an addiction in the first place.

Intelligence is not knowing everything, it’s the ability to challenge everything that you know, believe, think, do and see. In the journey to becoming our best version we must be willing to try our uncharted waters; consider interacting with people who are not your type and try things that are not in your usual goals. Someone once told me, ‘if you find yourself with someone is not your type then you are on the right track’; finally, that statement makes sense. Look for people who are doing things better than you and learn from them. Look for people who are doing things you have not done and learn from them. Dare to interact with people that you would not interact with on a normal day. Dare to make different types of friends, dare to do everything differently, more intensely or do something different altogether. In the words of Andy Warhol, they say that time changes things but actually you have to change them yourself. And when things change inside you, things change around you.

The proximity of a desirable thing/person tempts one to overindulge. On that path lies danger or greatness. You will need discernment to see things for what they are and not for what you want them to be; to learn who is gold and who is simply gold-plated.

For more insights and my personal experience on the power of proximity look out for my new book, “Finding Your Rhythm – A journey to my Ikigai.”