“Are you genuinely loved or are you loved because of what you have?” Have you come across this statement somewhere? I have seen it pretty often on social media. Every time I see it am baffled by the ignorance demonstrated in that statement. Truth be told nobody is loved for nothing and nobody just loves. To put it more bluntly, Love is not free. Whether consciously or unconsciously we are all attracted to something. If that was not the case, we would all love anything and anyone anywhere. There is a reason you have specific friends, partner, favorite relatives or even favorite child. We may want to deny it but the truth is Love comes at a cost. The cost becomes even more important when it’s your turn to pay.

Love is not the kind of topic that I commonly discuss. Maybe because my view of love and relationships may seem controversial. I however think that any topic that affects human wellness is worth a moment of consideration. The cost of love has been triggered in my mind recently. I have had a few cold callers on the verge of disillusionment triggered by love and relationships. relationships. One thing is common with these callers, everything was okay at the beginning but now they feel betrayed, disrespected and are not sure of the next step.

My question always starts with, for how long did you feel respected, loved or ready to go with the person to the moon? For the young lovers it is always the first few months say 90 days, For the married ones, the first one year. The first phase of a relationship is magical; people care for each other in any way they can. If sexual passion is added to that mix the magic only gets more “glorious”. Both people are on their best behaviors, holding back any needs, desires or expectations that might negatively change the relationship.

Personality characteristics that might be harder to deal with, family histories that might be less acceptable, physical problems, emotional insecurities, or deeply held beliefs that could clash if expressed are easily withheld. It is during this time that most people make the most egregious errors in believing that the unconditional love they are experiencing is free of cost and will last forever. My comment has always been; those few months do not account. The real person is the one that emerged after that first phase.

In the next phase people get comfortable with each other. Each person slowly becomes authentic in words and behaviors. There are often more conflicts with unexpected or unpredictable responses. The confusion however is that there are still positive thoughts and feelings that keeps people searching for a solution. That search is what led these callers to me;

Caller 1; We have been together for 14 months. The first 3 months were bliss. We even moved in together. She however doesn’t seem to have boundaries with other men. Her calls are irritating, they happen late at night and the conversations are more than friendly. Her friends think I made a wrong choice, they know her past. Every time I bring it up she uses words I cannot even pronounce. She out rightly calls me stupid. She travels for days due to work and when she gets back we get an infection.

Caller 2; This is our second year of marriage. We did everything right from dating to formalizing the marriage. She will however not let me touch her now. Our conversations during the day on phone are okay. She seems happy with her friends. She sings in choir joyfully. Everything changes when I get home. Her mood changes, she sulks, she will not prepare any meals, she always wants to visit her matrimonial home.

Caller 3; I don’t know who he is anymore. This is our third year in marriage. Nothing is making any sense. The first year was perfect. I have however been bailing him out since last year. I help him pay his debts. I took a loan for a project that I can’t seem to see any progress. I am tired but I still love him.

At this point you realize that love has a cost. Even in the most successful cases there are differences to be negotiated and disappointments to be expressed. In all the cases my question is how much are you willing to pay to make it work and what are your non negotiables. The baseline is, you have to pay something. You brought something on that table at the beginning and you have to keep depositing to keep it going. The earlier you face this reality the better; Ask yourself;

• What thoughts and feelings are you suppressing to avoid challenging the relationship?
• What sacrifices are you making that seem easy in the moment, but might not be over time?
• What red flags are you seeing that might be acceptable now but you know would not work over time if you don’t face them now?
• What are you holding back about your character and history that you fear might turn your partner away?
• What attitudes or behaviors in your partner bother you that you are not sharing?
• What parts of you would you need to sacrifice, and can you do that without resentment?
• What other significant compromises would you need to make?

An honest answer to these questions will help to know the prize and your willingness to pay it.

What if the price becomes too much to pay? This is a sad but important reality. Irrespective of how much you think you love and still have a positive connection, the relationship may not have enough value to make it worth the cost. This mostly occurs when the withdrawals from the relationship outweighs the deposits. The imbalance creates a debt. Had they understood that relationships come at a price they would have started paying it early enough and create resilience for the bad days.

“Love is costly; To serve in love costs us time, to share in love costs us money, to forgive in love costs us our sense of justice. Every act of love costs us in some way.” Jerry Bridges

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