“Every time we try to address an issue, she goes on and on. It is more of ranting. I let it go but then we cannot seem to get a solution to anything” He said. Does this sound familiar. An acquaintance mentioned this in one of our coaching discovery sessions. He was questioning his ability to support his partner in her work and life challenges. Though I did not give it much thought after that, a similar event occurred this week.
I was having coffee with a friend. She kept ignoring a call. After several rings I insisted that she picks it. Her response seemed unusual though. Though the call lasted for about three minutes she spoke less than eight words. On a normal day she is a bubbly person. She must have noted the concern on my face and felt obligated to explain. According to her the partner likes picking arguments. “He will go on and on about an issue that we already resolved and sometimes trivial. If I respond it will turn into an argument and go on for hours. I have learnt how to keep quiet unless he is willing to focus on a solution.”
The two scenarios speak to two things that I identify one. One, that silence is golden. It is important to express your thoughts and feelings. You however have to know when to speak and when to let go. I use silence in three main occasions, 1) If the topic of discussion is not worth my time and energy. 2) If discussing the topic will not add any value to me or the relationship 3) If the person is not capable or ready to handle a different opinion.
The second thing is to learn how to differentiate between an argument and a healthy discussion. Most people believe that arguments are healthy in any type of relationship, ranging from family to work. I however think that you do not need to argue, you need to have courageous discussions. In the words of Arjun Joln, A discussion determines what is right while an argument determines who is right.
An argument is a battle of the egos. Everyone tries to prove their point. You end up with an escalation or like in the above cases one person withdraws. In both scenarios you do not get a solution to the issue. A discussion allows everyone to give their point of view not to determine who is right but find a basis or a guide to a solution.
It is however important to realize that not all situations require you to respond. Next time you want to respond to an argument or an accusation consider below pointers;
- Is the person worth your reasoning?
Not everyone you differ with is worth an argument or worth reasoning with. Sometimes we waste a lot of time explaining ourselves to people who do not matter. For example, you do not owe a coworker an explanation about where you live or where your children go to school. You also do not owe your friends an explanation about where you chose to go on holiday. Learn to keep these matters to yourself unless you are gathering facts and not seeking opinions.
Encouraging an argument about your life choices with an acquaintance is not worth it. Direct your energy where it matters. Some people will also start a discussion just to see your reaction. They want to trigger an argument and get a chance to know something about you or pick your weakness. If you are not keen enough you will fall for this trap.
2. Is the person capable of reasoning with you?
Most people you engage in an argument with are not capable of understanding things from your perspective. Our reasoning is determined by a number of things. This ranges from our level of exposure, our upbringing and experiences in life. If your partner comes from a family where extended family does not matter, convincing them to attend that family event will be an uphill task. Making them attend that funeral or trying to understand why they are not bothered about it will be a waste of your energy.
3. What Triggers them?
Most people cannot tell the difference between someone disrespecting them versus feeling disrespected. What you feel is not necessarily what the other person meant to trigger. Some people are either generally insecure or life has taught them how to be paranoid. They hence always listen from a place of being offended. It is not what you said or did to them it is what normally triggers them. Unless they know what triggers them, accept they have an issue to address no amount of explaining will help the situation.
In above situations silence or limited words will be golden. If the person is keen enough they will know that silence is also a form of communication and they need to rethink their approach on the matter or drop it completely.
When someone tries to trigger you by saying something that irritates you, take a deep breath and switch off your ego. Stay quiet or respond calmly with a few ‘measured’ words.
Remember that if you are easily offended then you are easily manipulated.