“You should pick a gift for her, it’s almost valentines.” She said as we walked away from the lunch table. “I do not celebrate valentines; I do not want to feel obligated to buy gifts on a certain day.” He said. Could his sentiments be valid? This month comes with a lot of expectations and sometimes pressure. There is an expectation that Valentine’s day should be celebrated. If a celebration does not happen then at least gifts should be given. I use the words given intentionally and not exchanged for a reason. Many at times one gender feels deserving of the gifts while the other feels obligated to give the gifts.
Whether valentine’s day should be celebrated or not is not my place to argue. My sentiments revolve around our mutual friend’s concern; obligation to show love on a certain day and in a certain way. I tend to agree with him. Maybe because I am not a ‘gifts person.’ Remember the five languages of love by Gary Chapman; Receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch, Acts of service and Words of affirmation. I hope by now you know your top love language and your significant other’s. Remember that loving another and celebrating love starts with you. If exchanging gifts does not excite you, chances are, that is not your love language.
I however believe I have another reason why I agree with our friend. The aspect of obligation. Loving another person is a choice. A choice that comes with responsibilities. However, responsibility is a grace you give to others not an obligation. In the words of Wayne Dyer, “If you are loving out of a sense of obligation you are slave.” No one wants to love out of obligation or feel as if a relationship is slavery.
Our need to validate our love situations has led us to magnify the essence of valentine’s day. We want to have a reason to hold our partners accountable for something. We also want to have a reason to prove that we are loved. However, love should be an inspiration not an obligation and in the words of Wayne Dyer, relationships based on obligation lacks dignity. Partners feel blackmailed that their love and commitment will be defined by actions of a single day.
Emotional blackmail works for a while as one tries to measure up and avoid conflict. It is a powerful form of manipulation. It leaves one in a fog, a haze of Fear, Obligation and Guilt. However most of the times emotional blackmailing is not a deliberate tactic, it’s just the method that gets the blackmailers what they want and they have found that it works! Carey West.
This means that our Valentine’s tactics work at least for that day. They may however leave the other person with the haze of fear, obligation and guilt. There is beauty and joy when one ‘Wants to do something’ rather than when one feels obligated to do something. If you do something because you ‘have to’ then it’s an obligation and you wouldn’t do it if you had a choice. If you do something because you ‘want to’ then it’s an inspired choice and you are glad to do it.
Then why can’t we allow ourselves and our significant others to pick our own valentine’s day? In the words of Maya Angelou, families are held together by choice, there is comfort in our sameness and excitement in our differences. When we respect and relish both conditions we can call ourselves family. Let’s celebrate love each day because,
Love;
Is a gentle caring,
A quiet concern hidden deeply in the heart,
A presence always felt,
Every day, every minute, every hour,
It’s a gentle embrace between body and soul,
A quiet touch of the hand,
A soft hug by warm arms; a careless of two souls,
It’s a great passion,
An intimate exchange between mind, body and soul,
It’s always there, caring and growing,
It dares us to be brave,
It costs all we are,
Yet it sets us free;
It’s a wonderful gift; like experiencing heaven on earth.
Maya Angelou
Love yourself, love someone, love something… “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time because the most important single thing beyond discipline and creativity is daring to dare.”