“Have you ever met a bad person?” An acquaintance posed this question to me a while back. “I don’t know? I answered. What I actually meant is that it takes me a while to conclude if one should be considered a bad person or not. For as long I can remember I have always had a different view when it comes to human behavior. I always want to know the story behind the story. I do not make any judgement on face value. Whether you do something good or bad, the action does not count as much as the intention. A good action could be preceded by a bad intention while a bad action could be preceded by a good intention.

That thought was however almost put to test recently. I received a message from my lawyer and friend on a lovely, bright, happy morning. In her words; an old friend and former colleague had been pursuing a certain property on my behalf as my ‘other half’. I use the words ‘other half’ because I have a problem using the word ‘husband’; it almost feels like a sin. To say that I froze is an understatement. I dropped my morning ritual to call her. I just wanted to be sure that I was not misinterpreting the message….or should I just accept that I belong to the group that only calls if the info is not textable. As we discussed the matter, I remembered a line from an investigative series I was watching the previous night. “Most of us have preconceived ideas about how a killer should look like, but if you want to know how a killer looks, just look in the mirror.”

One of the easiest ways to get me glued on a screen it to pull out an investigative series. They teach me more about human behavior than any book. They make you question your biases about who could be right or wrong. They make you realize that we are all capable of extreme actions. The difference in our behaviors could just be our circumstances but more importantly one’s ability to make conscious decisions. The underlying issue though is that we all have similar basic needs. The only difference is our order of priority of those needs and the vehicle we use to meet those needs. In the words of Atticus, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from their point of view…until you climb into their skin and walk around in it.”

This however also cemented my topic of reflection this month; human needs and human values. Our biggest need in life is certainty. We always want to be able to predict our tomorrow. That is why we are always having future goals and targets. We also want to feel in control of our lives and the outcomes of our actions. If certainty rates very highly in your needs spectrum, then you constantly avoid pain and look for situations that give you pleasure. You can however achieve this in different ways; positively or negatively.

The easiest and neutral way to gain certainty in life is to avoid taking any risks. You do not try a new job, new role, new location, new relationship or new challenge. This means you are ruled by worry and fear of uncertainty. The negative way is to try and control everything around you. You can decide to accumulate as much wealth or property as you can by all means like my old friend is trying to do. This gives you the illusion of certainty that even if things go wrong you have enough to hold on to.

The other way is to try and control the people around you. If you want your relationship to be predictable the easiest way is to control the person you are in a relationship with. If you want your work outcomes to be predictable the easiest way is to control your workers or subordinates. The downside of this is that it violates another important human need; the need for love and connection. We however need a balance in life. Total certainty leads to boredom. If you can predict how everything will unfound in life, then you lose the thrill of living. On the other hand, if you are constantly uncertain you live in constant anxiety. That is the paradox of life.

The best way to live is to build your character and resilience. When you know that change is a constant in life then you do not seek control. You realize that situations and people change. Your power lies in knowing that you can handle whatever life throws at you. You will not always have it together but you will always have you by your side to rescue yourself and live to fight another day. On the other hand, when you realize that too much certainty leads to boredom then you embrace uncertainty. The role of uncertainty leads us to the second human need which I will explore in the next article; Our Need for Variety.

Uncertainty is life’s way of saying that there are only a few things you can control. It is also the mystery of life, do not let it scare you unduly for it keeps boredom at bay and sparks creativity.

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