Last week I came across a hilarious statement somewhere on social media, “Do not take marriage advice from African women; it’s always about perseverance and prayer” It actually sounds better in Swahili “Ndoa ni kuvumilia na maombi” I actually laughed about it. But come to think of it, why does it sound so true, like a bridal shower statement in my mum’s generation. How many times were you told that life is supposed to be hard? How many times have people looked at you suspiciously because you do not seem to be struggling as much as you are supposed to? Who sold us this lie?
Am not saying that life is supposed to be a smooth sail, am just saying it is not necessarily supposed to be a struggle. I also think that it is wrong for someone to take their life and use it as the standard definition of life. Your perception does not have to be everybody else reality. What one considers to be a struggle could be normal to someone else and what one considers to be normal could be a struggle to someone else. It is a matter of one’s ability to cope with life’s challenges and their perception or view of life.
The downside of this is that it has helped people mask toxic situations and take them as part of life struggles. People are enduring situations that make them helpless to a point of being mentally sick all in the name of ‘its life.’ I do not think our maker brought us to this world to just endure. We need to live and celebrate life. The unfortunate thing is that most people have to live with toxicity from home to work.
We have been told it’s okay to have bosses who belittle us and that we should work under pressure. If we seek to work in calm environments, then we are not tough enough and we do not embrace challenges. This is true until you get older and realize you just went through life and did not live. It is only true until you wake up one day and realize you have been running around for everybody else apart from yourself. It is true until your body or your family gives up on you. Just because they are not breaking down does not mean you have to keep up with them. Only you know how much you can take based on the uniqueness of your personal life and coping ability. No one should make you feel guilty for wanting it different. Your values are your guiding force and you should not drop them to accommodate other people’s opinion.
May be I should have started by defining a toxic work environment; Does your work culture embrace 1) Blame first, solution later 2) If it can’t be measured then it’s not important 3) frequent use of ‘I need to escalate that’ 4) personal interest before collective good 5) Motivate by fear 6) my way or the highway 7) use of CC as a power move or to cover your back. I have news for you, your work culture is toxic. It can easily heighten your anxiety levels and lead to exhaustion. How many times have we taken these items as normal? Unless you have worked in different environments then you are likely to think that this the normal work environment. This then justifies what they told you; ‘life is hard.’
The toughness of life as sold to us makes us tolerate dehumanizing and exhausting behaviors and eventually make us feel helpless. Unless you know better, you will never expect better and you will never look for better. This applies to both work, family and other personal relationships. Most of us are familiar with toxic relationships outside work. We can easily list them; sarcasm, criticism, controlling behaviors, dishonesty, disrespect, constant stress, mind games, drama, always right, leading to lack of self-care to walking on eggshells. We however do not just tolerate this; we tolerate much more that amount to emotional abuse or worse enough physical abuse. In most cases it is the height of ‘life is hard’ cliché and ‘no one is perfect’ line. True, no one is perfect but not everyone is toxic or manipulative.
What these cliché lines has made people do, is to not set boundaries and to belittle their sixth sense even when they know something is wrong. It has also made people think that, what they know or grew up with is what life is supposed to be. I often feel sad when someone says, ‘I did not know I was in a toxic environment, that’s how my parents used to live or that’s how employment is.’ How sad can that be. That we take everything we experience as gospel truth just because we have not experienced better. Some people may genuinely not know that they are in a toxic environment or are toxic themselves. They are just living what they saw and the best way they know how.
As I always say, the height of maturity is being open to challenging your ways and being willing to learn. The first part of growing up is realizing that even your parents could be wrong and you hence can’t borrow everything that you saw them do. The second part is realizing that you are entitled to how you feel but you are not entitled to how you behave. Every emotion can be explained but every behavior cannot be excused. It is okay to feel angry but it is not okay to abuse someone by any means, it is okay to feel jealous but it is not okay to be controlling.
Every time someone tries to justify their actions through emotions I am tempted to interject. ‘I understand the emotion but you can’t justify the behavior.’ Self-control is one of the biggest gift given to mankind compared to other animals. It is however just like a muscle, if you do not use it, it shrinks and eventually gets useless. If you work it out, it strengthens and you can use it without much struggle.
The worst part of these cliché words; Life is a struggle, hard, tough…is that they eventually wash away your self-worth. They make you feel helpless in a toxic situation. If you don’t know the possibility of a better situation, then you hang on because what you have is the normal according to your standards. You think your employer, your boss, partner or friend is the best irrespective of the toxicity just because you have never experienced better. As your self-worth erodes you even imagine that every other environment or interaction will end up the same. You consciously or unconsciously tell yourself you do not deserve better or cannot get a better person or better environment.
Self-confidence is a great asset in life. It is the one that makes you close a door to something you know is wrong or toxic and head to the world of unknown. It is the fuel that makes you want to test what you do not know and kill the cliché that ‘better the devil you know…..’ when did a devil become better than anything else? If you do not explore and consciously look for better, then you cannot blame anyone else for your circumstances. Life gives us choices and one of those choices is to wake up and look for a better life or environment irrespective of where you will find it.
If these lines do not kill your self-worth they are likely to turn you into a manipulator or the source of toxicity. You embrace toxicity to a point where you use every opportunity you get to manipulate others or create a toxic environment consciously or unconsciously. Remember my article on ‘the power of proximity?’ These are the people who fuel toxicity because that’s the only environment they can thrive in. They ask questions at work or in relationships then use the answers to trap you. They look for every opportunity to feed their ego. They then shift the blame to the other person or circumstance. If your self-worth is not on check they will make you question your sanity and make you feel inadequate. They act out of fear and insecurity. Unfortunately, some of the most toxic people come disguised as friends and family.
Whatever category you are in; a victim of a toxic environment or a manipulator/source of toxic environments the choice is in your hands. Every choice you make, makes you and everything you are comes from your choices. Never allow yourself to feel or be in an environment that makes you feel helpless, it’s like watching your whole world fall apart and all you can do is stare blankly. Stand up and start walking somewhere, anywhere just make a positive move. In the words of Ali Abi Talib, “The most helpless person is the one who is helpless in reforming himself.” Whether you are a victim or perpetrator of toxicity make a point to reform yourself. Remember, “We do not have the right to feel helpless, we must help ourselves. After destiny has delivered what it delivers, we are responsible for our lives” Cheryl Strayed
And when all is said and done remember the strong words from Danielle Koepke, “You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It does not matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend or a new acquaintance – you do not have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go!
For more insights and my personal experience on Toxicity get a copy of my book, ‘Finding your Rhythm – A journey to my Ikigai’