Have you ever sent someone a message then you deliberately went offline? Have you ever sent someone a message late at night to avoid discussing it? How often do you use these words; “We need to talk!” Rumor has it that this is one of the most feared statements in any form of relationship. Ranging from the office to the house. The most interesting thing is that human beings enjoy having conversations. However, communication remains one of the biggest challenge in any form of relationship. In every corporate discussion employees and managers will complain about poor or no communication. When relationships do not work, it is largely associated with lack of or poor communication.
When holding training sessions on communication, the focus is mainly on the styles of communication. We always insist on staying away from passive or aggressive communication and embracing assertive communication. Assertive communication refers to the ability to express positive and negative feelings and ideas in an open, honest and direct way. It recognizes our rights while still respecting the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people.
Part of the reason why I treasure the topic of communication is because I have always admired and respected people who can deliver difficult news in the most sober way. This is regardless of how aggrieved they are. They can bring the most difficult topic, idea or feelings on the table and discuss without showing extreme emotions. I have also always endeavored to be that person. In the words of Winston Churchill “Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions and look forward to the trip.”
Passive people assume that people will understand what they want or feel. As it is, no one is capable of reading minds. Leaving someone to read in between the lines can lead to misinterpretation. Irrespective of how hard the issue is, it is worth discussing. Emotional honesty is key in emotional and mental wellbeing. Even if the issue does not get solved, even if you do not get what you want, you will have emptied your mind and expressed how you feel. Like my friend says, “Even if I do not get it, at least I asked.”
That is a very strong statement. It is the realization that you owe yourself emotional honesty. A chance to express yourself, but you are not in control of how the other party will respond. Expressing yourself gives you closure and is good for emotional and mental wellness. Knowing that the other person has a right to respond in any way or not respond at all is a mark of confidence and resilience. However, even when it is uncomfortable or uneasy one of the best ways to heal is simply getting everything out.
On the other hand being aggressive does not serve the other party. The common statement that ‘you do not have to shout to be heard’ stands the test of time. Shouting is a sign of disrespect on the other party or insecurity on your part. Instead of raising your voice, raise the standard of your argument and acknowledge that you do not need to have the final word.
The statement “We need to talk” comes from a point of personal need. Though direct and seem to use the word ‘we’ it does not take into account the other person’s feelings. The person feels judged or blamed. Every human being wants to feel heard, seen and acknowledged. In any form of relationship whether with family, friends, colleagues or with your significant other you will need to discuss a difficult subject at some point in life. Staying passive about it will only weigh you down while being aggressive or confrontational may destroy the relationship. Hence the need to learn how to engage in courageous conversations or what my mentor calls care-frontations; Confronting others with love and care.
Starting with a call that ‘We need to talk’ starts on ground zero heading to negative. The moment you pick that line the other person feels attacked and goes on defense mode. Anything else that you say after that is going to feel like an accusation. You are likely to end up in endless arguments or escalated confrontation. The opposite is also likely to happen; total silence and no commitment or resolution. This means that you sink deeper to the negative side. You may try to close the conversation on a positive note using words like ‘I still love you’ or ‘I appreciate your contribution.’ Though this may help to repair the damage, it will not take it to a positive angle. Chances are you will still end up on a negative or at neutral in terms of the other party’s feelings and resolving the issue.
The best way to hold a difficult conversation is to sandwich it. Just like a sandwich we cover the hard part with the soft parts. This involves starting the conversation from a positive note. Give the person positive feedback or praise. Then follow the praise with corrective feedback. Note the word is corrective feedback and not your need or confrontation. Then close the conversation on a positive note. In short the sandwich approach involves discussing corrective feedback that is sandwiched between two layers of praise. In the words of the leadership expert, Gordon Tredgold, there are really only two types of feedback; positive or supportive. Anything else is criticism.
The positive feedback reduces the discomfort and anxiety and eases the conversation. The question however is why does it feel awkward sometimes when bosses, friends or a partner uses this approach. Chances are the praise or positive feedback is not genuine. You can tell and feel when someone is genuinely acknowledging you and when they are trying to manipulate you. For this approach to work you need to build positive conversations over time. Do not just praise or give positive feedback when you want to criticize or bring up a difficult discussion. Continued positive feedback builds trust and opens room for difficult discussion with less anxiety or chances of confrontation.
Next time you need the other person to change or take responsibility for their actions start by genuinely appreciating who they are in person with clarity on why you appreciate them, respect them or love them. You can use phrases like “I appreciate you for…. I respect you because….”. Follow this with the constructive feedback. Use phrases like “I need your support on … “what would work better for me is….. You give the person a chance to pick the positives; the life or purpose that they have added to your life. Remember my article on ‘Did they give you life or Purpose?’ If not, you may need to check it out on Enlightened You website blog.
This will save you from losing great friendships or staying in unsatisfying relationships just because you are afraid of speaking your mind. It will also help you gain closure on sensitive matters without losing your dignity, feeling guilty or ending up in regret. Apart from passive and aggressive communication we also have manipulative communication; people who use fake emotions to cunningly control and influence others to their advantage. I prefer not to dwell on this because it is the lowest form of human interaction.
Though truth demands confrontation, it must be loving confrontation and if we confront someone we should have one goal in mind, Restoration not embarrassment.