‘You are enough.’
The first time I heard these words was in a group coaching session. The coach kept repeating those words “always remember that you are enough.” In my mind I kept wondering ‘are there people who are not enough?’. If you grew up with reasonable social support and have built resilience over time you are also probably wondering the same thing.
I have also been in speaking sessions where the speaker insisted on the participants chanting some ‘I am’ affirmation like I am a winner, I am courageous…. In those instances, I repeated the words mostly from my mouth but not from my heart. The exercise did not make sense to me. This season has however given me a shift. With social distancing affecting physical group training sessions and clients slowly trying to adjust to online training, I have shifted my focus to individual coaching. The experience has been both awakening and enlightening.
Covid-19 has shaken most people from their comfort zone and they are looking to develop themselves for current and future opportunities. My interaction with most people has however proved that they do not lack the skills or experience, they just do not believe that they are ‘good enough’.
My friend told me early this year “you can make a good therapist, you are the best person to tell secrets, you listen and when you talk to others you rarely say nothing”. That was affirmation right there! Though I have been more inclined to coaching, I have decided to use my ‘therapist gifts’ and skills to complement my coaching skills especially during this season.
So, allow me to summarize some of my case studies;
Person A; A teenager who joined the university last year but dropped out mid second semester because according to her parents ‘she did not like the course’. We are hence in for a coaching session to identify what her passion or purpose is. The session however takes a different turn. She did not quit campus because of the course. She quit because one of her lecturers was too intimidating. A story back to her childhood reveals a bullying incident that took away her self-esteem.
She is not here to discover her passion or purpose she knows that she loves singing, playing piano and guitar and she wants to pursue a career in interior design. However, in her own words “I am afraid I may let people down, I think I may let my parents down, I do not talk to people because I think I might be rejected, I am afraid I may not achieve my dreams, I think people think too highly of me”. Surprisingly I also thought quite highly of her. On first glance when we met at the parking, she passed for a model, her articulation of concepts speaks excellence and intelligence. But she does not think she is ‘Enough’.
Person B; A middle-aged lady with a pleasant personality. She has excellent academic papers to masters level. She has a two-decade working experience. A family and a home that you would envy. In our phone conversation she notes that Covid-19 has made her rethink her options she is thinking of starting a business. She is also not sure of her passion.
But then again, the physical session takes a different turn. She has been revolving around the same roles in the same organization in the two decades; no career growth. She first blamed it on motherhood and need for a predictable work schedule. As I push for more answers, she says “people like me cannot be managers, what would I tell people as a manager, I cannot keep up with new technology, I think they are going to pick my junior for the next managers role, what am I lacking for me to be treated this way?” When did you last apply for a job? I ask “two years ago, a friend helped me through the process but I could not impress the panelists, I let her down, I have also skipped job interviews before”
The self-defeating words say it all. She does not think she is ‘Enough’ despite the good papers, experience and awesome personality. She has been in the hands of an intimidating boss and a belittling spouse, her self-esteem and confidence has hit rock bottom. The dress code confirms the same.
Person C; A middle aged business man. He calls in to consult on personal finance coaching with a focus on investments. I connect him with someone who is an expert in the area and wish him well. Weeks later he has not turned up for his sessions. I make a follow up call. The thought-provoking questions reveal another ‘Not enough’ perception. “I know where to invest, I just think am going to mess it up again….I lost my family, my business went down, I stopped paying for my kids’ education policies.. business looks good now but am afraid I will make the same mistakes again. I cannot trust anyone or maybe like she used to say before we separated, I am a mess”
I summarized these cases in two words, Perceived Fears. Fear induced by real or perceived life events. If you are a friend, spouse, partner, acquaintance, stranger who takes a moment to affirm others, Thank you! You may have saved someone from a therapy session or something worse. If you find it hard to affirm others or you keep intimidating others, check your fears as well you could be projecting your ‘Not enough’ syndrome on others by being aggressive and mean.
Like one of my mentors in personal development, Lisa Nichols says “Look fear in the face, then stand on the edge, hold fear in one hand and passion in the other hand and leap! because only one of three things are going to happen; You are going to fly, You are going to fall and hit something soft or You will fall and hit something hard.”
“Either way you have been built to last, either way you will get up and do it again, either way we will get the best version of you. Be radical and unapologetic enough to hold fear in one hand and passion in the other and leap anyway!”
Whatever dream or goal you have today, this week, this month, this year, this decade remember YOU ARE ENOUGH! And also remember to love yourself so much so that you can love others from your overflow and teach them how to love.