One of the most daunting tasks in Nairobi is navigating through traffic especially as a new driver. The challenge has nothing to do with the roads but the level of competition from the public transport vehicles. As a survival tactic I learnt how to create rapport with the matatu drivers and their assistants or conductors like we call them. It actually does not require much effort. All you need is to lower your window and strike a conversation.

In most cases they will initiate the conversation the moment you make eye contact. The conversation goes like;

Driver; Madam siunipatie hiyo uchukue hii (Madam, can we exchange vehicles?)

Me; Hiyo yako ni ngumu kuendesha (Your’s requires more expertise to drive)

Driver; Si ngumu, si unaendesha hiyo (Not really, you are already driving)

Conductor; Madam unaweza endesha manual (Madam, can you drive a manual car?)

Me; Manual ni kazi mob sana, inataka watu kama nyinyi (It’s hard to drive, its meant for people like you)

Conductor; Si unipatie kazi (Can you give me a job)

Me; Hiyo pesa yote umeshika nitaweza kukulipa kweli (With all the money you are holding, can I afford to pay you?)

Driver; Madam, siku hizi nyinyi ndio mko na pesa (Madam, these days’ women have money)

Me; Si ni nyinyi mnatupatia (But its men who give women money)

At this point traffic will start opening up. The matatu driver will let you pass. If need be the conductor will step out and direct you so that you can easily navigate through the traffic. What I find interesting is that they never seem to forget you after that. For me, it’s a random survival conversation. However, if you meet with either of them weeks later they will still wave or say Hi. I had such an interaction with a conductor lately. Actually there was no traffic. He just seemed to remember me from a previous interaction. I am guilty because I could not remember.

A matatu overlapped aggressively from behind. On getting parallel to me the driver slowed down. The conductor opened his window and shouted, ‘Sema Madam’. The confidence in his voice meant we have interacted before. The driver hooted and waved. As usual I waved back and escorted the wave with a thumbs up. I have learnt to do this during my morning run as well. To me its basic courtesy. However, after that recent interaction my friend said, ‘You just made his day’.

I had never thought of it from that angle. I have also been accused of inflating people’s ego. I however look at it as preserving people’s ego or intentionally avoiding to bruise people’s ego. In the words of Lana Del Rey, a man’s ego is just as fragile as a woman’s heart. I intentionally make the matatu driver know that his job is tough and cannot be done by anybody else. I also remind the conductor that he makes enough money and probably supports a lady somewhere.

Truth be told human beings want to feel unique, important or special. The best way to achieve this is to gain a special skill. This gives us a chance to contribute and to add value to the world and the people around us. Knowing that you have something unique or special to offer adds to your inherent need of significance. This is the third human need; the need for significance; to feel needed, special and unique.

The fact that we all have this need means that we seek to meet it negatively or positively. The negative way that people meet this need is by tearing others down. Have you met people who are too negative in life? Anything good you do has to be questioned negatively. If you put on a blue shirt, they think cream would have looked better. If you succeed it’s because you were assisted by someone else. They always have a way of downplaying other people’s achievements.

These people would rather die than give you a genuine compliment. By tearing others down they are looking to inflate their ego. They will pick their imaginary achievements and go on about them for hours. They eagerly wait for you to acknowledge them but won’t acknowledge your progress or achievement. If they do it, it’s because they expect something in return.

We however also have people who have achieved very high levels of significance. They have acquired very unique skills or achievements. They are hence easily sought after. They do not need to seek validation from other people. They are highly needed, feel extremely special and important. This also has a downside to it. Both cases; where one does not feel significant or feels extremely significant has a negative effect on the need for connection and love.

People who do not feel significant enough become energy drainers. They are always putting others down to feel superior. They also may play victims to get attention. This eventually put people off and destroys connections. On the other hand, people who feel extremely significant do not see the need to connect with other people. They can easily sit back and wait for other people to make the effort. Eventually people get tired of always reaching out. They feel not needed or appreciated. Feeling highly significant can hence negate the need to reach out for love and connection.

The best way to build your need for significance is to achieve something for yourself and build your inner confidence. Build a unique skill that you can offer the world. Continuously learn and achieve your personal goals. Create time for your passions or hobbies. You hence do not have to seek unearned appreciation. People who care will genuinely acknowledge your achievements without you fetching them or playing victim. However, sometimes the easiest way to feel important is to make others feel important too. Learn to genuinely appreciate people. It will eventually come back to you. In the words of John Maxwell, “Success is when you add value to yourself, significance is when you add value to others.”

We hunger for significance, for signs that our personal existence is of special meaning to the universe. However, the significance of a man is not in what he attains but rather what he longs to attain.

To achieve significance, Never stop learning and growing.