Ladies, what did they tell you about working in a male dominated environment? This month I had the pleasure of joining a new board of management. Something that I have been looking forward to especially as organizations and individuals navigate through the covid-19 crisis. I also happen to be the only lady on the table of men. This is the second time that I am sitting in a board as the only lady. As I interacted with the team virtually preparing for the meetings, something crossed my mind. Is there something I should learn or be aware of as I look to sit in the long meetings? I am a believer of continuous learning; ignorance is not defense especially in this era where you can get information and courses at the click of a button.
My mind shifted to the many things I have come across in the name of working in a male dominated environment. In retrospection I can visualize the advice as it was handed to me. The stern looking lady in a dark pant suit said, “you need to be aggressive and fight your way through them.” The bright looking happy go lucky one said, “you need to be nice to them and remember to serve them tea.”
I have great reservations on the topic of gender especially when it leans on one side. In the words of Chimamanda Ngozi, “The problem with gender is that it prescribes how we should be rather than recognizing how we are, without gender expectations we would be much free and true to ourselves.” The thought of gender equality or empowerment may have emanated from a good point. A point where the girl may have been genuinely left out. I however feel like we forgot when to stop empowering and start raising children regardless of their gender.
I have not been bothered by this conversation for the longest time. Maybe because I have not experienced any form of discrimination or disadvantage based on gender. However, last week I was having a brainstorming session with an industry colleague. It was geared towards topics of interest in training and speaking. He mentioned something that stuck in my mind; “I have an interest in gender because I am a father of two girls.” Maybe I should have sought clarity. I however kept wondering, is it possible that he could also be a father of a boy but did not consider him a topic when it comes to gender matters? When is the last time you heard someone say I care about gender matters because I am a mother or father to a boy?
When shall we start seeing people as humans without giving gender too much importance? I do not want to downplay our gender differences. Actually our biological difference makes the world go round. The other day I laughed out loud when my friend said “Girls have special problems”. He was referring to our long colored nails. I almost responded that, “that’s what makes us interesting.” Truth be told the world would be so boring if we were all the same. On a light note, I had promised myself to start supporting feminists if I manage to keep up with the men’s pace during my morning runs. You can rest assured I have no hope of getting there. These are the real differences that we embrace not perceived thoughts that were handed down to us by our ancestors.
I have a problem when one gender plays superior or inferior. I have a problem when we raise girls to think that they need to be supported for them to reach their potential. I have a problem when we sell to girls’ inferiority then justify why we need to spend our whole lives empowering them at the expense of everything else. I have a problem when we assume the boy child is supposed to be naturally superior and hence does not need support to reach his potential. I have a problem when one gender has to bend for the other one to stand. In the words of Vanna Bonta, “Thought has no gender. Gender roles are a social construct, when we attempt to assign strengths and weakness to either gender we literally cut our potential as the human race.”
I want both the boy and the girl to stand and walk majestically in their own space without playing superior or inferior. I want them to embrace their differences as human beings first before looking into their gender differences. We however cannot seem to get over our gender superiority or inferiority despite our high levels of education and achievements. This explains why ladies find it important to teach girls how to defend themselves even when no one is fighting them. This also explains why men give special attention to the girls when the boys are unconsciously crying out for mentors. In the words of Gloria Steinem, “When the gender role starts to descend, boys get into the masculine box.” Then girls start complaining about the boy’s inflexible and ‘physical’ nature.
This extends from the house to the work place. As you interact with professional ladies in different fields they freely hand you advice. Much of the advice given in the name of mentorship surrounds dealing with men. A lot of books have also been written about gender but in essence they mostly speak to the women. Someone said that no girl believes she is beautiful enough because of the way the society raised them. My question is, what makes you think that every boy or young man feels handsome or physical enough based on how the society is raising and treating them? Failure by one gender to express its struggles does not in any way negate the existence of the struggle. It should actually raise a concern and a worry in society just like unconscious patients raise concern in the emergency hospital unit.
This season has however been good to me. I have had ample time to listen and follow great women leaders. They have expanded my view of the world and affirmed my quest to embrace femininity. They have also given me a reason not to look at the merits or demerits of what I have heard before but give my own version of what it means to sit on the table of men. If you are first wondering how to get to the table, remember three things. 1) Build a credible personal brand 2) Build professional networks online and offline 3) Volunteer to offer professional help.
In summary know the value that you can offer and let people know about it. In the words of Meghan Markle, “The biggest part of being a girl boss in the office, at home or anywhere else you go is just knowing your value.” Do not wait to be picked based on gender just because company policies demand for gender balance or as a favor because you are a lady. Be confident about who you are outside your gender roles. Am intrigued by Drew Gilpins words, “I am not the woman president of Harvard, I am the president of Harvard.”
Once you get a chance to sit on the table remember;
1. Bring your color
Do not try to be a man, you can never win at being someone else leave alone being another gender. They did their background check before putting you in. They probably know your default dress code and tone of voice. Stick to who you truly are.
Look for a chance offline to get a heads up on what they saw in you that they felt would make a difference to the team and the organization; leverage on that feedback.
2. Complement don’t compete
Do not cover your strengths at the expense of fitting in or try too hard to outdo others. You have natural strengths that come with your personality; empathy, listening, emotional aptitude, attention to detail… Embrace them and use them to add value to the team.
“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” Lao Tzu
3. Earn respect don’t demand it
Serve tea because you want to not because you need to impress. Be clear about the value that you want to deliver and go out of your way to see it happen.
Disagree firmly and respectfully and follow your disagreement with a solution. Give your suggestions or solutions directly without beating around the bush.
4. Earn their trust.
When you have long day meetings, discussions may digress over tea or lunch. Some humorous topics will emerge off the main points. Remember whatever is discussed in the board room even over lunch or tea remains in the board room. You are a professional not their family or life spy.
5. Depersonalize feedback
Avoid being too easily offended. This is easily learnt from men; they harshly disagree, brush it off and catch a drink later amidst laughter. However, remember to set your limits. Staying cool does not mean letting people cross the line.
6. Get your hands dirty
Do your homework. Go out of your way to prepare for the meetings, understand all the details and be ready to put in the work during and after the meetings.
Remember you are not there to balance a gender equation you are there to add value. Bring your skills, expertise and gifts to the table.
The definition of true masculinity and femininity is being able to lay in your own skin comfortably and in the words David Alejandro, “Life is not a competition between men and women; it’s a collaboration.”