Have you ever made an assumption about someone’s character or behavior then later realized you were wrong? It’s because we judge people from our own lens, positively or negatively. If you read my last week blog article titled ‘Control is an illusion’ then you must have come across that line. Someone asked me to clarify that statement. So today I delve into the details of our lenses and view of life.

A story is told of a newly married couple that moved to a new neighborhood. The next morning when they were taking breakfast the lady saw her neighbor hang her wash outside. She said “the laundry is not even clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Maybe she needs better laundry soap.” The husband looked on but remained silent. Every time the neighbor hang her wash the lady would make similar comments. About a month later, the lady was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line. She said to her husband, “Look! She has learnt how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her.” The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!”

In summary what we see when watching others depends on the status of the lens or window that we look through. The lens could be behaviors that we have formed. We then unconsciously imagine or expect other people will behave the same way if they are in a similar situation. If you made a certain mistake as a teenager, you are likely to presume that your child will make the same mistake. You hence keep controlling or safeguarding their moves. Though you might do it from a place of care they might not understand or require your control in that situation.

Most people say that the most controlling partners are the ones who cannot be trusted and the micromanaging bosses are not capable of working without strict supervision. Though this is debatable, chances are if you cannot trust yourself to do the right thing when no one is watching you might think that everybody else need to be followed or watched for them to remain faithful or do the right thing. It is about your own insecurities, limitations and needs rather than the other person’s ability or willingness to behave appropriately. The opposite is also true; if you are used to doing the right thing even when no one is watching or following you, you expect others to behave the same. You trust yourself and others.

Other lenses that affect how we view or judge people could be cultural, geographical, religious, environmental, generational or past experience. Have you ever asked yourself why you do things the way you do? Why do you parent in a certain way, why do you handle money the way you do, why do you interact with people the way you do, why do you consider a certain habit to be good or bad, what defines a good or bad person, what defines a good or bad job? Chances are they have to do with one of those lenses. A certain employer denied me a job, after  pestering him he said that students from my school had a history of violence. He had actually experienced their violence. Though indeed they were violent, I was not.

When someone approaches you, you decide whether they are good or bad based on your religious or spiritual beliefs, your cultural beliefs, family beliefs or the environment that you were brought up in. In short someone or something is good enough based on a certain standard that you picked somewhere along the way as you were growing up. A certain habit is good or bad depending on a certain standard that you picked somewhere along the way.

This explains why we hold on to our parent’s advice years down the line whether the advice still applies or not. It also explains why we hold on to certain acquired beliefs whether they serve us or not. They say the day you grow up is the day you realize that your parents or mentor could also be wrong. This does not mean that they are bad people it only means that they believed in what served them or the beliefs they had also acquired along the way. My advice; watch what you do or say in front of children because their view of the world depends on you.

We say that growing old is mandatory but growing up is a choice. Part of growing up includes questioning your belief system. Every time you want to hold a certain idea ask yourself, what lens am I using? Am I being subjective by applying a certain belief or experience? Challenge yourself to be as objective as possible. My rule in life is that if I allow you to cross my path in any type of relationship or interaction, then you start at 100%.

The fact that you gave someone a chance to be your friend, employee, partner means you believed in them. Then give them a 100% score without applying any judgment from your leant beliefs, their gender, religion, race, ethnicity or any other background. My take; It is not what women do or men do it is what that person did, unless its biological. It is not what that tribe or race does it is what that person did. In other words, guard your biases and prejudice.

Give them 100% irrespective of what you have experienced with someone with the same or similar background. Give them 100% despite what you have heard about them. In short view them from a clean lens/window. Then give them a chance to keep it clean or make it dirty. It is not your job to judge them it is their job to judge themselves by their behaviors.

If it’s an employee who does not perform, it is not because they belong to a certain category of people; age, tribe, race, school, gender. It should not be because you judged them from any other of your subjective lens. It’s because of their own inherent characteristic. However just because they dirtied their lens by that behavior does not mean they cannot clean it. I believe in second chances but not manipulation. As a manager you have a role to hire and fire but as a leader you have a role to develop, mentor and motivate. Before you write them off because they have dirtied their lens make sure you have applied your leadership role. As a leader you do not just affect or influence someone’s career path you affect and influence their life as well.

If a friend, partner or colleague messes you up, it is also not because they belong to a certain category of people; age, tribe, race, school, gender, status, religion. It should not be because you judged them from any other of your subjective lens. It’s because of their own inherent behavior. Again just because they dirtied their lens by that behavior does not mean they cannot clean it. Give each person who crosses your path the best experience. They might learn or get inspired to make a change. In the words of the author C.J Peterson, Hearts that beat to the tune of kindness can change the rhythm of the world. However, remember that second chances should not equal manipulation and an apology without behavior change amounts to manipulation.

Maturity is outgrowing all those categories and learning to question everything and making own unique decisions. It also involves not judging others by any of those categories and viewing each individual as unique and capable of portraying own unique behaviors and making own unique decisions. As they dirtify their lens they give you an objective reason to deduct from the 100%. As they learn and do better they give you a chance to add towards the 100%. On unique occasions they might give you a chance to add above the 100% as they make their lens even more sparkling clean. In all these it is not your role to judge them, it is their role to portray behaviors and actions that judge them. You can then hold or release any relationship or interaction without guilt or regret.

When you judge another you do not define them, you define yourself and when we stop judging others our hearts begin to open, our perspectives change and we experience the world more fully.

Your perception dictates your reception.