Have you ever had a conversation with someone on an issue that they are struggling with but you almost gave up? Do you sometimes look at someone and feel like they are beyond help? Do you sometimes wish you could live someone’s life for a moment and help them solve an issue? As a coach or counsellor this is not supposed to happen. It however happened to me this week. I had engaged this person in a conversation for a while. He however had a problem for every solution.
After realizing that a virtual conversation may not be helpful I decided to refer him to the nearest counsellor. When the counselor requested him to call back later he came back to me with a conclusion; “I think she also wants me to take the issue to another person, see now this is my fate.” I had already sensed the aspect of victim mentality in him. However, at this point I was almost losing my patience. On further reflection, I remembered another concept in psychology that could be playing here; Learned helplessness.
Learned helplessness is a state that occurs after a person has experienced a stressful situation repeatedly. They come to believe that they are unable to control or change the situation. They do not try even when an opportunity for change is available. This makes then unable to make decisions, they become passive and fail to recognize that their actions can control the trauma or get them out of the stressful situation. Learned helplessness is characterized by low self-esteem, low expectation of success, attaching lack of success to lack of ability or fate, less persistence or not looking for help. This increases a person’s risk of depression.
Considering that we all go through traumatic or stressful events, what then makes one develop learned helplessness? People with a pessimistic view see negative events as being unavoidable and as a result of their own shortcomings. They are more likely to experience learned helplessness. People with an optimistic view are less likely to do so.
Learned helplessness occurs in situations such as;
- Building good habits
This happens when you grow up thinking that your bad habits (such as smoking, eating unhealthy food, or drinking too much) are just part of who you are and how you were raised. You then think there is nothing you can do to change your habits; you are experiencing learned helplessness.
- Domestic violence
Victims of domestic violence tend to feel that violence is a part of life, and some even use learned helplessness as a coping mechanism to “live” with the violence. If you are being abused in a relationship, you are probably constantly being told that you are incompetent or worthless by your partner, and are often shown examples to reinforce these claims.
Eventually, you start to believe these hurtful things, and the statements even become a part of your identity. Often, the abuser will even tell you that you are lucky to be with someone who will put up with your flaws. If, despite your efforts, you are constantly receiving the message that you are not good enough, feelings of weakness and powerlessness surface. It may seem easier to stay in the relationship.
- Learning a new skill
People often get stuck in their ways, to the point that they assume they are not good at something they may not have even tried. The saying “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” reinforces the idea that once someone believes they are doing everything they can in life, they stop trying new things.
Learning how to break patterns and negative beliefs is an important part of life;
- Recognize the problem and get to the root cause;
What is the origin of your feelings of learned helplessness? Think about your behaviors throughout your life to see if you can identify a common denominator that has impacted who you are today. It could be feedback from the school system, parents, friendships, relationships, abuse or other stressful situations.
- Identify your limiting beliefs; Reframe them in a positive, optimistic light.
If your beliefs about yourself are overly negative, it will lead to a negative self-view. Overcome your unhelpful thoughts by trying to find evidence to oppose them. If you think you are incapable of learning new things check anything new that you have learnt recently.
- Watch your self-talk.
Too often we are our own worse critics. We put ourselves down. Instead of saying, “I failed at that again,” ask yourself, “What can I do next time to improve? Am I willing to do what it takes? When have I been able to do this before?” This type of self-inquiry will help open up your problem-solving/decision making skills.
- Improve your self-awareness through journaling.
While people can reflect on what they believe, they often fail to explore why they believe what they do. Journaling, is a great method to help you decide why you think about things the way you do.
- Set goals
Each time you hit a goal or a milestone, you will feel a sense of achievement and pride that will motivate you to keep going. Take one small action every day and celebrate small wins and milestones. “When making plans think big, when making progress, think small.” James Clear
- Practice self-care
Avoid toxic people, Say No without feeling guilty, change your routine, find a new hobby, learn something new, read/watch inspirational stories, schedule ‘me time’…
- Change your environment – changing your environment can help you change your habits. “Motivation is overrated; environment often matters more.” James Clear
“The more pessimistic your explanatory style, the easier it is to slip into learned helplessness. Optimists resist helplessness and do not give up when faced with unsolvable problems and inescapable noise.” David McRaney & Dr. martin Seligman