“I decided I am the adult here. These children do not understand what I am going through. They will not understand if I missed out on their life. They will not understand if I do not actively participate in their life. They might however look back and appreciate that I went out of my way to give them the best of my time.” These are words from an old friend who lost his wife an year ago.

The hours I spent around him were profound. There was no single negative word that I remember. He was full of gratitude. Grateful that the young children who are at one, three and five years are growing healthy. Glad that he has not lacked in the last one year. Glad that even if he mourned he still has a reason to live. It is this kind of gratitude that gravitates people towards you.

My biggest turn off in life are whiners. The people who have nothing positive to say about their life. They have not experienced the worst of situations. They have just fallen in love with self-pity. They always have something to complain about. There is always a negative connotation in every statement. They create their own misery. It is either they have too much work, have no work, are broke, do not like where they stay, are victims of other people’s actions. Nothing ever works for them. They even downplay compliments. They are always the victims. Remember “If you keep telling the same sad small story, you will keep living the same sad small life.”

I do not seek to down play people’s challenges. It is okay to mention if you are going through a tough time. You however cannot make it your identity. You are not the lady/guy who was left, fired, divorced. They heard the first time you said you were broke. You do not have to make it a statement every time you meet. Stop falling in love with misery and negativity. You do not have to apologize for your origin or background. You do not even need to explain yourself to anybody. Stop playing victim. We have all faced our fair share of challenges, losses, betrayals…

If everyone was to list their struggles and challenges in life. You would appreciate that yours is nothing compared to many others. You are not a victim until you choose to be one. You are a normal human being going through normal challenges of life; bad job, bad day, bad relationships, losses. They all mean one thing; you are in a normal world. A world where good and bad things happen to good and bad people. Step up and face it. Stop pegging all your problems to your childhood, work, partner or the world. They may have played a role but you are sorely responsible for your life. Wake up and smell the coffee.

Whiners are the most energy draining people that you will ever come across. They always have something to complain about or some negativity to spread. They are energy drainers; you want to avoid them at all cost. Remember that misery loves company. Whiners are looking to hear your negative stories and challenges. They want to seek pity by displaying and magnifying their struggles. They also want comfort in their misery. They want to justify their inaction or inability to face their challenges.

Whiners are my biggest turn offs in life. Even in the midst of a war there is always something positive. As they say there is something positive in every situation if you look hard enough. You choose what you want to focus on. The positive or the negative. It is easy to blame than to take responsibility. Focusing on the negative gives us a reason to exempt ourselves from responsibility. In the words of John Gardner, “Self-pity is easily the most destructive of non-pharmaceutical narcotics. It is addictive, it gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”

Whining will not change the situation. A friend checked on me a few months back. He was enquiring on how I was coping amid Covid-19. My answer was as honest as it could, “Everything is at stand still.” “But you don’t look like it!” He responded. My answer, “Being sad will not change anything.” We choose how to react in every situation. If you do not like the situation, change it or change your perception. It is not just about moving on; it’s about moving forward. “We have all been through a lot in our lives; the difference is some of us choose not to play the victim.”

The world does not celebrate whiners, we acknowledge those who are taking positive action and those who have intentionally made it through the challenges. We want success stories, stories of resilience and positivity not whiners, complainers and victims. I may want to care but I also want you to snap out of it and take responsibility of your life and your choices. In the words of Lauren Clements, “Be proactive about your happiness or shut up.” Resilience, positivity and gratitude are my biggest attraction.

Cancel your pity party. Pull yourself together and take total control of everything in your life.