“He won’t call to check on us, she will not allow me to see my kids, He/she won’t talk to me or respond to my calls.” How often do you hear these statements? Most likely almost every day. Do you realize how selfish these statements are? The more I hear them, the more I realize that as human beings we are generally selfish. I do not want to condone the behaviors of people who cannot step up and own up to their mistakes, I just want us to learn how to always look at things from both angles.
Every time someone comes to me with this kind of statement I take them one step back. I ask, what happened? At first they will take the usual short cut “I don’t know or I came back and she/he was gone.” I will then repeat the same question “What happened?” They will then try to narrate a series of events leading to what they consider to be the other person’s fault. In essence what I am trying to get to is, what triggered the other person’s actions? I am more interested in the ‘behind the scenes than the ‘show’. Unless you are dealing with a very irrational and manipulative human being every behavior is triggered by something else. Before you discuss how someone reacted first ask yourself what triggered them.
Though I come across a number of this counter accusations I had not thought of how far we can go to demonize people’s reactions until last week. I was doing the usual scrolling through social media then I came across this meme “If your relationship fails, don’t just blame him. It takes two. Him and his mother because it is not you.” This was obviously meant to be on a light note but as always, I derive lessons from the strangest of places. This tells you how creative we are when it comes to avoiding responsibility. On a normal conversation people will always tell you how the other person reacted or what they did but not what triggered them. This is an unconscious way of trying to feel like we are the better person. We can justify everything on our end but we cannot cut a slack for the other person.
Learning to take responsibility even for the smallest actions is a mark of maturity. Responsibility is accepting that you contributed to the matter even when you are convinced that you are not the cause. It is acknowledging that you had a role to play either by doing or by not doing something. It is also acknowledging that you have a role to play in getting a solution. It is taking initiative for what you are able to do or to change. Unfortunately, we are not taught how to accept mistakes in life. We are brought up thinking that being wrong makes you a weak person.
When the teacher put a wrong sign in your exercise book in school it meant you are not good enough or intelligent enough. When you got a question wrong in class the other students laughed at you. When you went home your parents scolded you for failing a question or a test. In all our growing up no one taught us that being wrong is a part of life. That no one is perfect though we should always strive to do good. This is why when something goes wrong we quickly pick on the other person. We want to quickly exonerate ourselves so that we are not guilty. It takes lots of maturity to learn how to be wrong. The most beautiful thing you can hear from someone is “I was wrong, I contributed to that situation and I want to make it right.”
In the words of Gene Bedley, “Responsibility finds a way, irresponsibility makes excuses” and in the words of Abraham Lincoln, “you cannot escape responsibility for tomorrow by evading it today.” Sometimes you have to eat your own words, chew your ego, swallow your pride and accept your mistakes. It’s not giving up; it’s called growing up. I want us to look back and know that we did our part in every situation. In the words of Jeff Bezo, “When you think about the things that you will regret at 80 both in life and in business they are always the things that you did not do, they are acts of omission not what you did that failed or did not work; It is the ‘why did I not tell her or why did I not go after it?”
I however also have another perspective when it comes to taking responsibility. Have you ever felt like you are the ‘go to’ person on a certain issue and people can’t seem to recognize when you are tired or not up to the task? This could be at work or at family level. People always come to you when they need help to get their work done, want a certain event organized, need help with babysitting, want money or want company. You feel overwhelmed sometimes and wonder why they do not realize it. It’s because you have taught them that you can handle it. Again human beings are selfish.
If you show someone that you can handle whatever they throw at you then they will always throw it at you. In short we teach people how to treat us. If you showed your boss, colleague, friend, partner or siblings that you can always handle every situation, they will almost always sit back and watch you do it. They will ask for your help even when they don’t need it or deserve it. You will then eventually get overwhelmed and agitated. You wonder why they cannot step up but they will not until you make them. In this case you also need to take responsibility of your life and make them take responsibility for their life.
This might mean weaning them off your availability or your resources until they get used to it. At family level however this might mean bringing the issue on the table. Start by acknowledging your mistake. Your mistake in this case was making your family members or partner believe that you could handle it all. Apologize for allowing them to cross the boundaries, for unconsciously teaching them that you can handle everything. Use words like “I owe you an apology for making you think that I can handle everything all the time, for making you think that I do not need a thank you, for making you think that I do not need help. I created something that is not working for me, whatever I needed to prove to myself I think I have and I cannot continue like this anymore.”
This thought crossed my mind last Sunday when I received a call from the chairperson of one of the boards that I sit in. The call came at around 3pm. The moment I picked the call he said, “It has taken me the whole morning contemplating whether I should call you considering its a Sunday. I called all the others in the morning but I know your boundaries.” True to it I can do without my cell phone all day on Sunday. It is my day to relax and reflect unless I have a scheduled appointment. I was glad to know that the people I work with have realized and respect my boundaries even without me verbalizing them. You do not have to tell people how to treat you. They observe and respond accordingly.
If you show that you can work 24hours then don’t blame them when they flood you with E mails and messages late at night. If you show them, you can attend every event then don’t complain when they get agitated because you did not attend one. If you show him/her that you can manage all house chores, bills and child care then don’t complain when he/she sits back as you crash with responsibilities. If you show them you can always finance their activities then don’t complain when they swindle you to finance non essentials. If they cannot take responsibility where you think they should, then you need to step down and make them do it.
This may mean verbalizing it or leaving them space so that they can meet you half way. A while back a friend was complaining because she did everything during her step daughter’s birthday. She felt exhausted and unappreciated. I asked her, “What did you want him to do?” That caught her off guard. She actually realized that she was not clear on what her partner was supposed to do. All she knew is that she did everything. She planned the venue of the party, did all the invitations, bought the cake and even bought the gifts. In essence she did everything. She never asked him to do anything for his daughter’s birthday. He probably assumed that she was okay doing it all. She however felt burdened but did not do or say anything about it.
She is known to be a strong woman, she is a fixer, she always gets things done. This is the notion she has sold to everyone and this includes her partner. When people are around her they sit back and let her do everything. At this point she realized she needs to let people take up some responsibility. She needs to teach people how to meet her half way. In the words of Brittney Moses, “Boundaries are your responsibility. You decide what is and isn’t allowed in your life.” Knowing that human beings are inherently selfish reminds us that we have to love ourselves enough to set boundaries even when we risk disappointing others. “Your time and energy are precious, you get to choose how you use it, you teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.” Anna Taylor
Irrespective of the situation we have to learn how to take responsibility by stepping up, owning our mistakes, apologizing and making things right. Other times we need to acknowledge our mistake in allowing others to hurt us, apologize for giving too much of ourselves and set boundaries. In summary you have to take responsibility for your life; know that it is only you who will get you where you want to.
“Your happiness depends on your self-reliance, to take responsibility for your life regardless of who had a hand in making it the way it is now. It’s about being the hero of your life not the victim” John Reyes