Three weeks ago we were moved to tears by one of our celebrities who confessed to have spent the night in the cold after he failed to raise money to pay his house rent. I obviously don’t want to dwell on the details of his life. Something was however very clear from the reaction of the masses. They were all impressed that he actually stepped up and owned up to his predicament. Most people were even more intrigued by the fact that he is a man and men are known not to easily ask for help or accept that they have actually hit their end. It is probably in this spirit that he got more support and empathy than he would have ever expected.
I compared this case with one that has been going round on social media; a case of family suicide. Though we might view these as isolated cases it’s a reality that society faces every day. It’s however likely to get magnified during this Covid-19 crisis season. The story being told is of a young family. The bread winner is an excellent IT professional from an Ivy league university. He got a high paying job and married the wife of his dreams. He bought a five-bedroom house and two luxury cars. He had everything that anyone would have wanted in life. The only reason why the story is being told is because this middle aged man committed suicide after shooting his wife and child.
As always in our society we seek for answers when it is too late. Friends and relatives tried to unravel the mystery and in the process they came across E mails and messages that startled them. What really happened? The man lost his job due the current economic crisis resulting from the Coivd-19 pandemic. He was home for almost two months without a job. He spent what was remaining of the last month salary but had still not gotten a job. He could not raise money to pay for his loan instalments and so the family lost the house. They somehow survived for a few months with the little savings. Eventually the man and his wife decided to make their last move; commit suicide. He shot his wife, child and then shot himself. A sad story, almost like a scene in a movie but unfortunately its real. Am sure we have similar cases across the country and the world.
The big question however is, what really went wrong? The surface answer is that he lost his job and source of livelihood. I acknowledge that a man’s lowest moment is when he cannot provide for his family. However, the deeper question is, what did the Kenyan celebrity have that this IT expert did not have? This could mean one thing; He was prepared for success but was never prepared for failure or loss. In a society that seeks to cushion children from difficulties of life our biggest challenge will be when they have to deal with failure or loss.
Resilience is better modelled in childhood rather than learnt in adulthood. However, if you were not lucky to see it when growing up then you have to learn it in adulthood. Success is an awful teacher, failure and loss are great teachers. If you watched your parents lose money, investments or a loved one and bounce back chances are you picked some lessons. More importantly you learnt that life is not all about success it comes with failure and loss.
If you were cushioned from these realities, you probably did not learn or build the muscles to face tough seasons. Next time you go through a tough season as a family do not overprotect your children. If you are going through a financial crisis let them know and participate in the process. Let them know that change is a constant and it’s also the only thing that you are guaranteed in life. Let them know that whatever you have today starting from your physical body to possessions can be gone in a day. Let them interact and hear stories of people who have lost, fought through and eventually made it in life. In short let them learn resilience but more importantly model it for them. They will then know the words from the gladiator movie, nothing happens to anyone that he is not fitted by nature to bear…Falling down is how we grow. Staying down is how we die.”
Express your frustration when you lose or fail, express hope for a better tomorrow then go back to the grind and let them watch you rebuild it all over again. They will learn that life is not a straight line that people fail or lose, that it’s okay to feel bad when you fail but that it’s not the end of the world. They will learn that they are capable of rebuilding again irrespective of how low they have to start. In short they will learn how to embrace change and face difficulties with confidence. They will agree with Olivia Pope in the Scandal series, you are a gladiator, gladiators don’t run, they fight, they slay dragons, they wipe off the blood, they stitch up their wounds and they live to fight another day”.
The other missing link in this story could be Identity. In the words of our celebrity in his confession video “This celebrity status is a lie” and so is our titles and roles. If you lost everything that you have today, would you have a title or a reason to wake up tomorrow. If not, then you are in the same boat with the IT guy and his family. You are not a doctor; you just practice medicine. You are not an engineer you just practice engineering. You are not a father or mother you have a role in parenting. You can join as many careers as you wish in a life time but the real you is constant. I picked these lines from an article that I wrote on 1st May 2011. A decade later I still agree with that thought. Our problem is that we confuse roles with identity. If you dropped all the external titles what would you be?
The reason people struggle with lack of or loss of jobs is because they are looking for a role. We want roles and titles because we think they earn us respect. The reality is it is not respect that we crave for, it is the attention that comes with the titles. It is the illusion of recognition. When we lose jobs or source of livelihood we do not struggle so much with a financial crisis, we struggle with an identity crisis. We cannot figure out how to introduce ourselves anymore. My deep introspection with my identity outside roles and titles came down to “I am a lover and a student of life, I derive pleasure in inspiring and transforming people.” Whether I am walking barefoot to the market or taking a private jet to the Maldives, that statement does not change. It is my true identity. I can use it to my advantage irrespective of where I am. Once you find a line that describes who you really are you can create any career or business out of it.
If you want to find your identity, think beyond the normal. The normal in this case is your school papers and work experience. Search deep within your soul, refine it until it makes sense. The moment you find it you will never need to explain yourself to anyone. You will not feel obligated to give a title, you will feel excited to tell people how you add value to the world. The more you refine your identity, the more you love yourself and the less you need others to approve you. Your identity is your gold mine. It will be with you for as long as you live and you can draw from it whenever you need to. The same cannot be said about our physical look, job, titles, family roles, society roles or possessions. Derive your identity from what cannot be taken away from you.
The IT guy in my story also had an option of seeking help and he probably did. He may have reached out to people for jobs just like the celebrity reached out to his friends for financial support. They however both did not get help from friends or family. This is the reality of life, sometimes help comes from the strangest of places. If you venture into business or freelancing I can almost bet that your first business will come from a total stranger or just an acquaintance.
This speaks to the third missing link; learning how to be vulnerable. The celebrity guy did not give up when his friends let him down. He let the world know that he needed help and in his words in the confession video “I am feeling very vulnerable… But I am here to remove the shame and be real” This is obviously a very tough place to be for a man to even acknowledge that “I have not paid my rent for a couple of months” There is no greater vulnerability than this. The IT guy probably gave up on realizing he could not get help from his immediate circle. I however do not blame him for that.
If you were brought up by very resilient parents or society, chances are you are struggling with something else; Asking for help. When you grow up in an environment where people ‘step up and fix it’ you feel obligated to figure it all on your own. If you have a history of success you are also likely to feel like you have to figure it out on your own. You fear that the society may not understand you when you are on a low. The biggest skill that successful people have to learn in a crisis is to ask for help. You may not need to go on live video like the celebrity did but you need to step out. This could be professional advice on managing debt to managing your mental wellness. It also includes reaching out to friends and family for support not necessarily financial but to ease the pressure of their expectations. It might mean starting at a level that no one else understands.
We have to learn how to be vulnerable to survive and later thrive. Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change. It is not losing or winning, it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. It’s not a weakness, it’s the greatest measure of courage. “Daring greatly means having the courage to be vulnerable; it is showing up and being seen, asking for what you need, talking about how you feel and having the hard conversations.” Brene Brown
In the words of James Baldwin;
I can’t be a pessimist because I am alive. To be a pessimist means that you have agreed that human life is an academic matter. So, I am forced to be an optimist. I am forced to believe that we can survive, whatever we must survive.”