“If parents want to give children a gift the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort and keep learning. That way their children do not have to be slaves of praise. They will have a lifelong way to build and repair their own confidence”. Carol Dweck. Building resilience in children is not about making them tough, it is having the ability to recover from difficulties and manage how they feel.

Below are some pointers to helping your children build resilience;

1.    Model resilience – Children learn by observing and later imitate. They will want to be just like you, and they’ll be watching everything. Let them see how you deal with disappointment.

2.    Don’t rush to their rescue – Exposure to stressors and challenges that they can manage during childhood will help to ensure that they are able to deal with stress during adulthood. If there is anything they can do themselves, guide them towards that but resist carrying them there. 

3.      Encourage them to take safe risks – Let them know that the courage they show in doing something brave and difficult is more important than the outcome. Age-appropriate freedom lets them learn where their edges are, encourages them to think about their decisions, and teaches them that they can cope with the things that go wrong.

4.      Nurture optimism – Optimism is a key characteristic of resilient people. This doesn’t mean invalidating how they feel. Acknowledge their view of the world and introduce them to a different world of possibilities.

5.    Let them know that it’s okay to ask for help – Children will often have the idea that being brave is about dealing with things by themselves. Let them know that being brave and strong means knowing when to ask for help. 

6.      Increase their exposure to people who care about them. Resilience needs relationships not uncompromising independence. Let them know about the people in their fan club. Anything you can do to build their connection with the people who love them will strengthen them.

7.      Nurture a growth mindset. We can change and so can other people. Children with the belief that people have the potential to change are more likely to show resilience when things get tough. Compared to kids who believe that bullies will always be bullies and victims will always be victims, kids who believe that people can change report less stress and anxiety, better feelings about themselves in response to social exclusion, and better physical health.

8.      Let them know that you trust their capacity to cope.  Fear of failure is not so much about the loss but about the fear that they (or you) won’t be able to cope with the loss. What you think matters. You are the one they will look to as a gauge for how they are going. If you believe they have it in them to cope with the stumbles along the way they will believe this too.

9.    Make time for creativity and play. Problem-solving is a creative process. Anything that strengthens their problem-solving skills will nurture their resilience. Children are naturally curious, inquisitive and creative. Give them the space and the time to play and get creative and they’ll do the rest. Try to resist solving their problems for them.

10. Try, ‘how’, not ‘why’. When things go wrong as they will, asking kids ‘why’ will often end in ‘I don’t know’. Encourage problem-solving and reflection by asking how they can make it right.